Ugly Beauty

Pattaya is one of the most beautiful places I have ever seen. It is the perfect storm of a beautifully painted ocean, lush green vegetation and mountains. Pattaya is also one of the ugliest places I have ever seen. Girls selling their bodies, in bondage to poverty in a culture where women are “less than.” A place where many men are confused of their gender and men who travel great distances to fill the loneliness in their souls and the depravity of their flesh.

It’s such a paradox.

As Christians, we live in constant paradox. The tension between justice and injustice, flesh and spirit, the pain of now and hope for a perfect, eternal future.

So how do we deal with this tension? I believe that we need to fully trust that God is in control. We can seek His guidance for the direction of our lives and follow. Then, as we walk in obedience we know that we are functioning in the body as we are supposed to. We do not need to carry the weight of sin on us because that is what Christ did on the cross. In simple terms, we trust and obey. Whew. Easier said than done but it is truth. The rest is up to him.

- Jenny

Noisy

Sometimes when kids are loud, I talk even louder to try and get their attention. Really loud. Sometimes it works and sometimes it just makes things, well, louder! We spent Sunday afternoon running a short program for children at a local art school in Rayong. They were so adorable. I would pack them all up and bring them home if I could.

My responsibility, in addition to loving on all the kiddies, was to present the object lesson. But before I could get started, I had to get the attention of 12 littles running and screaming about. So, I increased my volume, which for those of you that know me know that my indoor voice tends to sound like a sporting event voice. The kids weren't responding, so I amped it up even more. I'm talking, talking, talking over the noisy ones and I look over at Susan and she's cringing. "It's so loud," she said. My voice was reverberating off the walls of a long, narrow tile room and smacking people in the head. I hadn't realized what I was doing until she pointed out the deafening decibel level. Whoops.

I started laughing. I couldn't help myself. I felt like this moment summed up many of my experiences over the last few days here in Thailand. I am loud in a country that is quiet. I am big in a country that is small. I feel like a giant here. A giant American. :) The Thai people we've been with are so gentle and kind and sweet and polite. And let's just say, I'm not so much those things.

I fill up every space I'm in. I seriously talk all the time. Loud. I laugh loud, too. I ask lots of questions. I can be kind of intense. I visited the front desk at our hotel in Rayong at least 10 times to ask about a variety of things throughout our 2-day stay. I felt like they would cringe every time they saw me coming. Many times I couldn't understand what they were saying to me and I'd have to lean in and ask (in my most polite (loud) midwestern accent), "What did you say?" Then when we were riding around Rayong with Jeff and his family, I'd find that I couldn't stop talking. I just blabber on all the time. If I wasn't talking or Jenny or Susan, it was silent.

I kind of feel like a square peg trying to fit into a round hole. I kind of feel obnoxious. I'm trying to figure out if one way is better - quiet and reserved or loud and unreserved. Maybe one way isn't better, just different. Although, I can often times pick out Americans in a crowd and usually I find myself cringing at what I see. I think I might be more like "those Americans" than I thought.

I will post more details of our past few days tomorrow. To sum it up - Thailand and the people here are absolutely incredible. No matter what it takes, I will make my peg fit here!

It's bedtime now.

Today was different!

I have to make an assumption to make this story impactful. Bear with me.

We woke up to another glorious day in Thailand. This is seriously one of the most beautiful places I have ever been. It's breathtaking. I really felt like today was going to be different. Worn out after hours of crazy-woman processing, I decided to give myself over to enjoying the moment. It's going to be better today.

Our new great Thai friend, Jeff, (Hi Jeff!!!) pastor of the Rayong Vineyard Church, picked us up for a meeting with Jessica Mock at the Tamar Center. Jeff coordinated our entire trip here. Amazing! I was all geared up for a good day when we were driving down the street and I saw her. There was this beautiful woman inside of an HIV Clinic and I noticed her standing at the counter crying. While we were waiting at the stoplight, she walked out noticeably disturbed, covering her mouth, crying, holding onto the wall. She looked like she was in shell shock. Insert assumption here -- I think she was just diagnosed with HIV. I know, it could be something else. But you should have seen here. It was so raw.

It just made me think. Wow, look at what happens here in the day time. At night it's all dancing and drinking and sex and fun. But during the day, whoa. Turn the lights on and it gets real, like HIV real, unwanted pregnancy real, STD real. My heart broke for this woman. I fell back into my dark place. This place is too much. Is this all there is to Thailand? Darkness, depression, pain. Ugh.

But then we visited with Jessica. Jessica coordinates the Pattaya House of Prayer, and she's "on a mission to see Pattaya transform from a city known for prostitution and brokenness to a city known for beauty, purity, healing, and for praising God." She partners with several churches and organizations in Pattaya. Her work and the Tamar Center's work is so amazing. Tamar trains women to be hair stylists, bakers, business owners and how to make jewelry, cards and journals. Their mission is all about unity and equipping/training and prayer and worship. Check out their website. I felt so hopeful after our meeting. We all did. We actually can have an impact here. There is a bright spot in Thailand. A big one!

After Tamar, we drove to Rayong with Jeff. It's another beautiful city on the beach. He spent the afternoon sharing with us about his life's journey and his heart for the Thai people. He wants to start a coffee business to help provide an income for the tribal people in northern Thailand. And he wants us to get involved. Yay!

We spent the evening with Jeff's family and friends at a seafood dinner! They are so great and so normal. They could be our neighbors. Just normal people loving Jesus, doing His work, making an impact in their community and country. It was so refreshing. There is so much more to Thailand. I guess it's like judging the U.S. after one visit to Las Vegas or LA. There's more. Much more!

Yeah, there are big-time problems. But I'm seeing and feeling big-time hope from the people here. And we're all feeling more and more like we want to be a part of the solution. Can't wait to see what's next for us.

Prayer requests

- Continued health and safety

- Quick adjustment to the time change/life in Pattaya for Marcia

- Lauren is preaching at Rayong Vineyard Sunday morning - pray for a great response/ministry time

- More clarity and direction about our purpose here

- The people of Thailand - for justice, hope, light, freedom, to know Jesus

Praise reports

- We've been praying for Jenny's back and it isn't hurting her! She's shocked. It usually causes a lot of discomfort!

- I had a picture come to mind while praying for a woman today and after I shared it, she said she's actually painting that picture at home right now! Goose bumps!

- None of us are sick and we're adjusting quickly to the time change!

Good night!

Here are some pictures from the Grand Palace. They are taking forever to upload. I'll try more later!!

Stuck in a Thailand Moment

I feel like I'm stuck in a Food Inc. moment. Have you seen that film? Horribly disturbing. It ruined one of my favorite past times -- eating! I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted whenever I wanted in any quantity or quality I wanted and not think twice about it. I know, gross. But ever since I saw that darn documentary, I think really hard about every single thing I put into my mouth. Eating has become a belabored, grueling, thought-provoking process. Who knew a Hostess Cupcake could ever cause such turmoil?

I feel like that about our trip to Thailand. I can't stop thinking. I can't stop processing. Every circumstance I encounter here causes me to pause, ponder, pray. I'll let you in on some of my obsessing...

• I hated our hotel room our first night in Bangkok. It wasn't nice. It made me want to go home. I even cried about it. What does that say about me? The very people we are coming here to reach out to would have killed for a room like ours. Then here I am acting like a baby. Oh, our carpet is stained. The shower curtain isn't clean. There's no window. Boohoo. I'm in frickin' Thailand for gosh sakes. Seriously, get over it. Ugh. I don't want to be this way. Why is comfort and let's be honest, luxury, so important to me? So much so that it can totally impact my outlook on the day. Our friend Jenny is here with us. She and her family moved to China more than a year ago with a missions organization and it's been a huge sacrifice for them. When she tells me about her life there, I actually pray and beg God to never make me do that. But I see SO much joy in her. Maybe what I think what will make me comfortable and happy and full actually doesn't. So, I'm processing this one. I'm a luxury junky. I love fancy things. But God doesn't seem to really care for fancy or for comfort, which leads me to my next obsession.

• How much fancy is OK? We arrived in Pattaya this afternoon to one of the most beautiful hotels I've stayed in. The hotel strip here is like South Beach on steroids. Our room has a large balcony overlooking the beach and the city. We immediately felt guilty. Aren't we supposed to be suffering for Jesus? That same question crossed my mind when I put on my bathing suit and sat on the beach for a few hours. God, is this valuable to you? Am I selfish? What is right? How much is OK? Does God want me to have fun? Does He want me to sit on the beach or spend all my time evangelizing on the street? Ugh. See. I'm a mess. I never would have thought sitting on the beach could be such a stinkin' deal!

• If that's not enough, then I go here in my mind -- how can anyone vacation in Thailand? How can anyone fly here to lay on the beach, stay in the hotels, eat in the restaurants when all around them is incredible brokenness and evil? But it's not just Thailand. It's everywhere. There are horrible things happening to men, women and children all over the world - from Chicago to New Orleans to Los Angeles to Tokyo to Beijing to Kabul to Munich to London to New York. How do I go anywhere and enjoy myself when "anywhere" is evil? I can't vacation. I need to do something to stop it, not indulge in it.

(Disclaimer: I'm in a dark processing place right now! I admit it. I know I sound crazy. I'm aware of it. Don't worry.)

• Loving people. Bleh. When we first arrived to Bangkok and I saw the old men with the young girls, I loathed them. I wanted to harm them. I couldn't shake it. Susan told me I had to work on my facial expression when the couples walked by -- I'm not good at hiding my gut-wrenching disgust! Shocking, I know! But I had this realization that my judgement isn't helping the situation. It's really just hurting me. I had to come to terms with the fact that God loves the victims and the perpetrators. He wants to have a relationship with everyone and that apart from him, we are all a big hot mess. So what does that look like? How do you love people like these men? I don't know. I'm still hating. But I don't want to stay there. Room to grow.

I'm overwhelmed, raw, unresolved. I feel close to God one moment and so distant the next. It's a battle here. But I'm still so glad we came. I'm not sure what He's up to with us, but I am trusting that it's great. Someone told us before we left that this trip would be like following the yellow brick road. We won't know where it's leading, but we just need to stay on it and keep trekking along. So, here we go...

Today's Highlights

• We met with a woman from Night Light. It was amazing. I will post some of the info she shared with us tomorrow. Susan took really good notes and I don't have them in front of me.
• We took a two-hour taxi to Pattaya, a beach town known for sex tourism.
• We sat on the beach, ate dinner and toured the red-light district. Today is a national Buddhist holiday, so all the go-go bars were closed. It was nice. There are SO many. I think it might have been too much. But tomorrow, after celebrating Buddha today, they'll be back at it. I'm not sure what to think of that!
• Tomorrow we meet with the Tamar Center, where Marcia is volunteering for the week, and we drive to Rayong.

Prayer Requests

• That I didn't just contract Malaria by sitting outside writing this blog. There are so many mosquitoes. Whoops :).
• Health and safety.
• Continued direction/purpose for our trip.
• Opportunities to pray/talk with people here.
• Healing for Jenny's back.
• That God would bring hope, freedom and light to the Thai people.

Good night!!

Bangkok Bites

After a whirlwind day, I don't feel like I can put together any sort of coherent thoughts, sentences, paragraphs. What day is it? What time is it? Seriously, where are we?

So here are some "bites" from our first 24 hours in Bangkok:

Bummer/Bonus

- The flights, oh my gosh, the flights. So long! We slept off and on for the 13-hour trek to Tokyo. I couldn't see the movie screen, so I read an entire book, snacked, exercised (walking lunges in the aisle) and rested. We did have an extra seat between us, which made the trip so much nicer. The 7-hour jaunt from Tokyo to Bangkok pretty much stunk. We were packed in the middle of the plane and had to shoehorn our way out of the seats to do our lunges and take frequent bathroom breaks. I fell asleep with my dinner in front of me and Susan got a slight case of whiplash after nodding off several times. Bonus - movie screen in the back of every seat. Bummer - I'd seen most of the movies!

Bummer

- We checked into our hotel, The Landmark, late last night. The website portrays it as a five-star establishment. Um, yeah, no. Our room didn't have any windows - just one long floral curtain covering a black mirrored wall, the kind Jack Bauer questioned terrorists behind so the rest of CTU could secretly watch. The room felt like grandma's basement. It was bad. The faucet fell off in the moldy shower and there were really nasty stains all over the carpet. We're hotel snobs. We admit it. (I'll blog more about my thoughts on this later. :))

Bonus

-Because we were forced to sleep in the dingy basement (it was really on the 15th floor), the hotel gave us a free breakfast. The breakfast was amazing. There was a huge spread of fruit, juices, eggs, breads and Thai food. I ate and skyped with Michael.

Bummer

-Susan slept through breakfast and I didn't get a plate of food for her. Bad friend.

Bigger bummer

-I saw an older white man at breakfast with a very young girl. She was probably 12 or 13. So little. He was holding her hand and leading her around. It was the first time I'd seen that here. Everyone warned me that it's inevitable. It just shocked me. It's so in your face. So blatant. I can't get the picture out of my mind.

Bonus

-We successfully navigated our way across town to the Grand Palace and Emerald Buddha Temple using the sky train, taxi and a rickshaw. The palace was beautiful. We had to take our shoes off to walk around in the temple.

Bummer

-On our first day here, we just couldn't stomach the street vendor food. Stray dogs laying under grills filled with pork balls, chicken feet

and whole crabs curbed our appetites. So, we ate at Outback. That's right. Outback Steakhouse in Bangkok. Lame. Susan ordered a burger and it was seriously the most disgusting piece of meat I've ever tasted. I think it might have been made from one of the many stray dogs out back. She couldn't eat it.

Bonus

-Before dinner, we dipped our feet in the rooftop infinity pool and laid around on comfy chaise lounge chairs. Ahhhhh...

Bonus

-We split an amazing dinner of Masaman curry. Yum. I will say that it tasted almost identical to the same dish at XO Cuisine.

Bummer

-Everywhere we turn there are older men with young girls. I get so angry then so sad then so angry then so cynical and then so numb. How can this be happening? I read today that it's becoming more common for brothels to sell 5- and 6-year-old girls to men who only want virgins. The men will use them for a week and then return them. Their pimps then sew them up and sell the babies off again. It's too much. I feel overwhelmed. Susan does too.

Biggest bummer

-The red light district. We prayed about it and decided to take a train there tonight and walk through Patpong. Again, too much. Hundreds of girls in their underwear dancing on stage, each wearing a number. Their pimps and "aunties" stand outside holding menus with all the girls' pictures. Meanwhile, tourists -- couples, families, young and old -- shop in the market right out front and have drinks at the less raunchy establishments. Don't they know what's happening just a few feet from them? We're still processing this and aren't sure what else to say about it at this point.

Biggest bonus

-We are praying constantly and feeling God's presence and leading. We are trusting that while we are not big enough to eradicate this evil, He certainly is. We are trusting that He will use us as a light in this very, very dark place. We are trusting that there is a great purpose to our trip. We're just waiting to figure that out!! We know that God is passionate about this injustice and wants to reveal his love to the victims and the perpetrators. We're praying we get to be a part of that while we're here.

Bonus

-Jenny Kuritar has joined us from China. We are so glad to have her here and to see a familiar face!

Bummer

-I realized tonight that I forgot my camera cable and can't download pictures from today. Thankfully, Jenny brought hers, so we'll be up and running tomorrow!

Prayer requests

-Health and safety

-Divine appointments to pray/talk with people

-Building a strong relationship with Night Light and Tamar Center over the next few days.

-That Marcia Vela would arrive here safely this weekend.

-Protection for our hearts. It's so easy to get angry and judgmental.

-These poor women trapped in the sex trade

-Anything else that comes to mind!!

It's time for bed here. More tomorrow...

Lauren

Seven Hours

"What should we do? Where should we go?"

How long has it been since I've had the freedom to ask myself, or better yet, one of my girlfriends those questions? It's 6 a.m. The terminal at O'Hare is slowly coming to life. The gates are lifting at the newsstand, the coffee shop, the duty free, the popcorn store.

"What do you want to do?" Susan asked.

"What do you mean? What does that even mean?" I thought to myself.

We have seven hours until our flight to Tokyo departs. Seven hours. Seven hours all to ourselves. I used to hate layovers. Not today. This is a seven-hour gift from God.

I realize in the quiet of this waiting (it is quiet in the Red Carpet Club!), how very loud and full my life is. Right now, there's no where I have to be, no one I have to take care of, no one asking me for this or that. Without those cares and concerns, there's so much room. Room to be aware, room to be present, room to see what God is doing and saying.

This is special. Seven hours, and then 10 days, of extra room. It's like God is emptying us so He can use us exactly how He wants to in Thailand. No distractions. No concerns. No dependents! Just, "What should we do? Where should we go? What do you want us to do?"